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Friday, May 22, 2015

Cheer up and laugh fans with some Red Sox-themed Letterman Top Ten Lists

Ortiz gets the last laugh on Mr. Yankee Fan.

David Letterman made his love for baseball -- and the Yankees -- very clear during his 33 years as a late-night TV host, with legends from Harmon Killebrew to Bill Veeck to Derek Jeter taking a seat by his desk. He liked to have some fun with the Red Sox, however, and with the Sox currently suffering through one of the worst offensive slumps in team history, Boston fans can all use a laugh.

In honor of Letterman's retirement, here are some of the best Red Sox-related Top 10 lists (and mentions on lists) from the past 15 years:

Feb. 19, 2015 (after Pablo Sandoval reports to his first Boston spring training looking a bit hefty around the middle)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your $95 Million Baseball Player

10.   "Are you going to finish that?"
9.     "I'm a .294 hitter, and that''s just my cholesterol."
8.     "Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks and a hot dog and popcorn and one of those little baseball helmets filled with ice cream."
7.     "Could have sworn the season started in August."
6.     "Can we make it to the seventh-inning brunch."
5.     "I need a few weekends off for Bachelor parties."
4.    "Do the bases have to be so far apart."
3.    "I eat like Babe Ruth, drink like Ruth Bader Ginsburg  

(Letterman joked that this list was "for Boston only; it's being blacked-out everywhere else.)


Oct. 22, 2004 (read by Curt Schilling--this one had to be tough for Dave to swallow)
Top Ten Reasons for the Boston Red Sox Comeback

10.  Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.
9.    We put flu virus in Jeter's Gatorade.
8.    Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.
7.    We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less Pokey.
6.    It's not like we haven't won a big game before -- it's just been 86 years.
5.    Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.
4.    The messages of encouragement Martha [Stewart] sent on prison napkins.
3.    We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.
2.    What'd you expect -- we have a guy who looks like Jesus!
1.     We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool. 

Summer 2002 (from monologue)
"The Boston Red Sox once again, in order to avoid that costly World Series parade, will have their customary second-half swoon."
(He was right)



July 10, 2002 (a week after Ted Williams' death and the news his son and younger daughter were freezing his body)
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig
3. Refuses to recognize Ted Williams as the top cryogenically-frozen ball player of all time.


May 21, 1999


Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From a Fenway Park Hot Dog Vendor

10.  As my own tribute the Boston Tea Party, I spat in the mustard.
9.   These hot dogs are the real green monsters, right?
8.   If you find a Band-Aid in there -- it's mine.
7.   Try my Buckner Special -- one that was between my legs.
6.   See you in Mass. General, jackass.
5.   Hot dogs are a dollar -- backrubs are fifty cents.
4.   The meat for these things came from an MIT science project.
3.   If you eat this thing, your nickname better be "Old Ironsides."
2.   This hot dog wins the World Series of maggots.
1.   Remember:  1 if by salmonella, 2 if by trichinosis.


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